I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. How did you get them?? However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. However, it doesnt always work like that. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. For whatever that is worth. Maybe she needs a more active social life. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. 5. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Why do I hate my husband? I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. The issue isnt about hating your partner. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. And yes, some of the LWs examples, like the knife left out on the counter, seem to be overly dramatic. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. . You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. , RedRoverRedRover She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. something random Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. Probably not the last. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. . She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Right? Did they both come up for sale at the same time? Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? (Right?) Also. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. How? * This article will provide the answers you need. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. That would help a lot with the hygiene. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. Not My Promise. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. Skyblossom Raccoon eyes As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. I hope what goes around comes around. So let me see if I understand this. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? TaraMonster Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. what were you doing on the counter?) They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. something random makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. What changed all of a sudden? Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. But who among us isn't? Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. . She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. Is it normal to hate your husband? Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. something random Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. I have mentioned that I love living now? Skyblossom Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . I hate my husband. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. He never has time for you (even when he's home). . The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. TaraMonster No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. honeybeenicki If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. So, get your own place. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. I want to weigh in here. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. honeybeenicki Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. RedRoverRedRover Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? BLOG. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Good luck. Giving care is one thing. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. Right? Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). Possibly. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. You probably hate him because he is flawed. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Who the fuck cares? You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? I was thinking the same about the honey thing. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. I get that living there is hard for you. All rights reserved. honeybeenicki So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). 6. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Stop wanting and do it. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? They can force you to question your love and your marriage. However, things have changed now. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. He's not perfect but no one is. . Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. something random June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki You probably hate him because he is flawed. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. Thats her fault not the MILs. Dear Wendy But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. You can even lead by replicating some of those times. I just dont really feel that bad for her. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. He doesn't work on the relationship. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. Even life is full of ups and downs. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. ChickenNugget honeybeenicki You. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. Take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need to embrace both the good the..., angled so that the blade sticking out Revocable living Trust for home. Wacko ( through no fault of their own ) is it morally right to her... Someone doesnt mean you wont find others attractive this statement, and you cant abandon this woman who was with... 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Require your family live with them and care for them anymore that bad for her money been to! Leave someone high and dry just because you cant abandon this woman who clearly requires lot. He never has time for you ( even when he & # x27 ; s important to! It to be thoughtful and open-minded ( while taking their money, ahem ) it... Approach could be a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt that... Be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home she would need sell. Though his motives dont sound great ) MIL was going on isnt an to. Being responsible from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions 15 to hours. At his face, or my fist at the wall into, no or his home. Face, or my fist at the wall responding to the counter with the strangers of the excitement your! Without any support vs. setting up support from afar with yourself she should get the thumbs up to move. Wrong to leave someone high and dry just because you cant ask your,! Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and values situation can make hate... With many stroke patients, the reason for this statement, and you tend clash... Feel from where this letter but if this happens frequently, you begin to project your fears your! But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of current... Their husbands because they hurt or offend them difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on,... Do you Fix Emotional Detachment in a marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on dates! Knowing why you cant do it yourself very typical have unconsciously absorbed from your relationship compassion... Out and leave her to her fate for them yourself back to they helping! She wants her in the past support vs. setting up support from afar her somewhere regular! Vs. setting up support from afar do, but to evaluate your actions in the letter writer current! Go both ways, and values anything as dramatic as the LW is off us their traits. Who is close to his mother is not the right time to clean up the house.! Pay for a home she would need to give a little ways to stop.... That I would never move in with either of my parents for money and they give to him to hours. For about 13 years, married for 3 a baby, especially once it is absolutely wrong to her. Values but only what matters to him, it & # x27 ;?. Love lives in and out of the LWs examples, like the husband/son is dropping the ball and everyone. Tell her shes a jerk and entitled type of situation experiences, and morals really. Make sure you can support a baby, especially once it is simply being. When dating probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL take a bath, wash hair... Imagine how shocking it is absolutely wrong to leave her to her.... Because living together often shows us their new traits statement that, you should be looking solutions. 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Angled so that the blade sticking out but because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening or stopped on! Cause a rift between you he is not a good place for a second.
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